Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Heartbreak Continues...

Well, as if experiencing the two miscarriages wasn't enough...little did we know, we weren't done yet.

After a while, a year actually, we decided to try one more time. In December 2006 we got pregnant once again. Because of the two previous miscarriages, the Dr. immediately put me on baby aspirin and progesterone. The baby aspirin acts as a blood thinner. I know youre thinking, why on earth would you take a blood thinner during pregnancy? Especially when it says on the bottle, 'do not take while pregnant'! Because there was no medical reason for the previous miscarriages, the Dr was trying anything he could that he thought may make the difference. One possible cause, he thought, was that my blood was too thick to flow through the placenta to the baby, thus causing the losses. So it was baby aspirin once a day. He also put me on progesterone supplements as well. Progesterone basically creates a 'perfect little nest' for a developing baby. Again, hoping the increase in progesterone would help the pregnancy progress to term.

My prayer since the positive pregnancy test was that this baby would implant so deeply into my uterus, there was no way it would come out before it was time. Well, oddly enough, part of my prayer did come true. During a early-term ultrasound, the Dr. noticed a subchorionic hemorrhage. Which in layman's terms basically means that the baby implanted so deeply into my uterus, that it caused a small bruise. No harm to the baby whatsoever. However, it is possible that it could pop and I would begin bleeding. This bleeding could last a few days to a few months.

So the first few weeks were fine. Progressing normally...for now. Then, the unthinkable happened. I began spotting...again. My parents moved into their new house on Valentine's Day 2007. We were over at their house when the spotting began. Nothing big, and we all thought/hoped/prayed it was the hemorrhage popping. But on Friday, the 16th, the spotting turned to full bleeding. Bright red and lots of it. I called the Dr. He said as long as there is no cramping, I shouldn't be too worried. I asked if it could just be the hemorrhage popping and he said 'maybe, but I think you're losing the baby'. I was so scared. We went home and went to bed that night scared. You guessed it. I woke up all throughout the night cramping...hard.

We woke up Saturday morning in labor. I know it sounds weird to be in labor when you're so early in pregnancy, but your body doesn't care how far along you are, or how big the baby is. I was in full labor, having contractions, back labor, and everything. We took Tyler to my parents house to stay with my dad, picked up my mom, and were on our way to the hospital.

I was having contractions the entire way to the hospital. We called the doctor on our way, and he said he would meet us there. Because it was so early in pregnancy, we went to the ER instead of L&D. I signed in and was told to take a seat and wait my turn. They didn't care that I was loosing my baby...again. I had to wait just like someone with a broken leg or stomach flu.

When they finally called my name, Joel and I stood up, and I motioned for my mom to come with us. The nurse said she wasn't allowed in. She said there wouldn't be room in the room for her. I was so hurt and angry. I needed my mom. We finally got into a room in the ER, the pain was so intense. It took about 20-30 more minutes at least, before the Dr. even came into the room. Right there, in the emergency room hospital bed, the Dr. removed my baby from me. Forceps and a little metal bowl later, it was all over. The pain in my heart was overwhelming. All I could do was cry. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, and my body was shaking. It wasn't a 'normal' cry when you are sad or hurt, it was a cry that came from deeper inside me than I even knew existed. After the 'procedure' was over, I asked if my mom could finally come in. The Dr was not happy to learn that the nurse hadn't let my mom in earlier. They immediately went to get her, and brought her in. She came right to me and held me and hugged me while we both sobbed. It was a heart wrenching loss for me, but also for her. She lost yet another grandchild, and her own child was hurting. I'm sure it brought back memories from her losses as well. I don't even know how long we sat holding each other crying. It felt like time stood still.

As I type this, I can remember so vividly. I remember the layout of the room, the counter with the little metal bowl that contained my baby, the tray with the forceps, everything. I decided not to look in the bowl. It was the best decision, I'm certain. They wheeled me over to do an ultrasound to make sure they 'got it all'. Then they put me in recovery. I was in the recovery room for a couple of hours before they let us go home.

One thing I forgot to mention, is that the Dr that removed my baby wasn't my doctor. He was just an ER doctor in the hospital. He didn't know me, didn't know my medical history, or the history of the miscarriages, he wasn't even an OB/GYN. It wasn't until in the recovery room that I finally saw MY doctor. The look on his face is one I will not forget, even now I can see the sadness and hurt on his face. He was genuinely sad and disappointed for us. He knew how much we wanted this.

On top of this horrible day, it was the Saturday before our wedding anniversary, and we had planned to go celebrate. I thought it would be better for me to go ahead with our plans, instead of just going home and wallowing in the hurt. So we went ahead and went to lunch and a movie. BIG MISTAKE!!! I was in so much physical pain from the procedure I could hardly walk, much less come out of the 'fog' I was in. It was like I was in a trance from the emotional trauma I had just experienced.

But finally, this horrible ordeal was over. Right then I had decided, we were done. We were NOT going to try again. This was too much. Too much pain physically, emotionally, and mentally. I could NOT do this again.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Where do we go from here?!

Sorry the blog updating has been delayed...we've been a house full of sickies! But I think we're all on the mend now...finally!!!

Anyway...So Where do we go from here?!

After experiencing such a tragedy, the last thing on our minds was 'trying again'. There was a time of disbelief. How could this happen to us? We're good people. Etc etc. My mom had experienced multiple miscarriages, but I was told that didnt matter, its not something that is genetic or inherited. Regardless of my moms history, that had no impact on my health when it came to pregnancies. The most frustrating thing was not having any answers. No answer to the one question I needed an answer to...Why? What happened and how can I make sure it doesnt happen again? Assuming we would ever want to try again anyway. It was the one question no one could answer. No doctors were able to give us any answers. Just the medical terminology that 'something was probably wrong with the 'fetus' and it was 'natures way' of 'taking care of it''. Those words seem so cold and impersonable. They werent just a 'fetus'. They were babies. I wont get on my pro-life soap box now, but in my mind, from the instant conception occurs, it is a baby. A live human being. And 'natures way' of 'taking care of it' was such a cold, lifeless response. Its not like doing the dishes or folding the laundry. Those are things that you just 'take care of'. Not a human life. Especially a precious, innocent baby. But, I understand doctors have to speak from a medical/scientific standpoint, because thats where their training is. But the hardest part was, I couldnt even get an answer from God. It is one of those things I'll never know the real answer to this side of Heaven. Either way, we are left answer-less. No way to know what caused it, or how I can prevent it from happening again.

So, in time, we decided we were going to try again. It was December of the same year we had the twin miscarraiges. Actually, now that I think about it, It was pretty close to what would have been our original due date. Ironic huh?! But, nevertheless, we tried again, and got pregnant. Of course, the fear was instant, but so was the joy. Cautious joy, but joy none the less. For the first couple of days anyway. Approximately 2 weeks after conception, I started cramping and bleeding. Much different than the last time. This felt more like a super bad menstrual cycle. Extremely bad cramping. I knew what was happening. There was no denying. We were miscarrying again. I was devastated. Devastated and in shock that this could be happening to me again. It was almost too much to even wrap my head around. The hurt was overwhelming. Again, the same emotions from before began to emerge. Anger, guilt, sadness, etc. They were all there. And just like before, I had to deal with them before they would go away. And I dealt with them in much the same way I had before. That isnt really something you want to be a 'pro' at. But it seemed different this time for some reason. Most likely because I wasnt ever able to 'see' this baby in me using an ultrasound. Never heard the heartbeat or saw the proof of life. I guess that made it a bit easier, if its possible for anything about a miscarriage to be 'easy'.

There were people all around us having babies. Friends of mine, and people I didnt really know. Seemed like life was anything but fair. And of course, like adding insult to injury, the stories of child abuse and neglect on the news were heart wrenching. Here we were, wanting a baby to raise, a baby to nurture, a baby to love. We wanted a baby, but couldnt have one. And we hear of those people who had plenty of them, and didnt love them, nurture them, or even want them. Wow. Sure sounds fair to me.

That began to be my biggest 'issue' with God. Then my mom said something to me that I'll never forget. She said 'It rains on the just and the unjust'. At first I didnt really understand what she meant. But after some discussion with her, the meaning was clear, and true. Good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. If serving God meant having an 'easy' or 'good' life, then thats the reason people would serve Him. And that's definitely NOT the reason to serve God! God is a just and fair God. And just because bad things happen to good people, doesnt mean He isnt still God who is sitting on His throne holding the world in the palm of His hand. He still loves me, still cares for me, and still wants the best for me. That was a really hard thing to comprehend, and as I write this, I wonder if people reading it will fully understand what I'm trying to say. I dont know how else to explain it though. Its just one of those things that finally made sense to me.