Sorry the blog updating has been delayed...we've been a house full of sickies! But I think we're all on the mend now...finally!!!
Anyway...So Where do we go from here?!
After experiencing such a tragedy, the last thing on our minds was 'trying again'. There was a time of disbelief. How could this happen to us? We're good people. Etc etc. My mom had experienced multiple miscarriages, but I was told that didnt matter, its not something that is genetic or inherited. Regardless of my moms history, that had no impact on my health when it came to pregnancies. The most frustrating thing was not having any answers. No answer to the one question I needed an answer to...Why? What happened and how can I make sure it doesnt happen again? Assuming we would ever want to try again anyway. It was the one question no one could answer. No doctors were able to give us any answers. Just the medical terminology that 'something was probably wrong with the 'fetus' and it was 'natures way' of 'taking care of it''. Those words seem so cold and impersonable. They werent just a 'fetus'. They were babies. I wont get on my pro-life soap box now, but in my mind, from the instant conception occurs, it is a baby. A live human being. And 'natures way' of 'taking care of it' was such a cold, lifeless response. Its not like doing the dishes or folding the laundry. Those are things that you just 'take care of'. Not a human life. Especially a precious, innocent baby. But, I understand doctors have to speak from a medical/scientific standpoint, because thats where their training is. But the hardest part was, I couldnt even get an answer from God. It is one of those things I'll never know the real answer to this side of Heaven. Either way, we are left answer-less. No way to know what caused it, or how I can prevent it from happening again.
So, in time, we decided we were going to try again. It was December of the same year we had the twin miscarraiges. Actually, now that I think about it, It was pretty close to what would have been our original due date. Ironic huh?! But, nevertheless, we tried again, and got pregnant. Of course, the fear was instant, but so was the joy. Cautious joy, but joy none the less. For the first couple of days anyway. Approximately 2 weeks after conception, I started cramping and bleeding. Much different than the last time. This felt more like a super bad menstrual cycle. Extremely bad cramping. I knew what was happening. There was no denying. We were miscarrying again. I was devastated. Devastated and in shock that this could be happening to me again. It was almost too much to even wrap my head around. The hurt was overwhelming. Again, the same emotions from before began to emerge. Anger, guilt, sadness, etc. They were all there. And just like before, I had to deal with them before they would go away. And I dealt with them in much the same way I had before. That isnt really something you want to be a 'pro' at. But it seemed different this time for some reason. Most likely because I wasnt ever able to 'see' this baby in me using an ultrasound. Never heard the heartbeat or saw the proof of life. I guess that made it a bit easier, if its possible for anything about a miscarriage to be 'easy'.
There were people all around us having babies. Friends of mine, and people I didnt really know. Seemed like life was anything but fair. And of course, like adding insult to injury, the stories of child abuse and neglect on the news were heart wrenching. Here we were, wanting a baby to raise, a baby to nurture, a baby to love. We wanted a baby, but couldnt have one. And we hear of those people who had plenty of them, and didnt love them, nurture them, or even want them. Wow. Sure sounds fair to me.
That began to be my biggest 'issue' with God. Then my mom said something to me that I'll never forget. She said 'It rains on the just and the unjust'. At first I didnt really understand what she meant. But after some discussion with her, the meaning was clear, and true. Good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. If serving God meant having an 'easy' or 'good' life, then thats the reason people would serve Him. And that's definitely NOT the reason to serve God! God is a just and fair God. And just because bad things happen to good people, doesnt mean He isnt still God who is sitting on His throne holding the world in the palm of His hand. He still loves me, still cares for me, and still wants the best for me. That was a really hard thing to comprehend, and as I write this, I wonder if people reading it will fully understand what I'm trying to say. I dont know how else to explain it though. Its just one of those things that finally made sense to me.