Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Heartbreak Continues...

Well, as if experiencing the two miscarriages wasn't enough...little did we know, we weren't done yet.

After a while, a year actually, we decided to try one more time. In December 2006 we got pregnant once again. Because of the two previous miscarriages, the Dr. immediately put me on baby aspirin and progesterone. The baby aspirin acts as a blood thinner. I know youre thinking, why on earth would you take a blood thinner during pregnancy? Especially when it says on the bottle, 'do not take while pregnant'! Because there was no medical reason for the previous miscarriages, the Dr was trying anything he could that he thought may make the difference. One possible cause, he thought, was that my blood was too thick to flow through the placenta to the baby, thus causing the losses. So it was baby aspirin once a day. He also put me on progesterone supplements as well. Progesterone basically creates a 'perfect little nest' for a developing baby. Again, hoping the increase in progesterone would help the pregnancy progress to term.

My prayer since the positive pregnancy test was that this baby would implant so deeply into my uterus, there was no way it would come out before it was time. Well, oddly enough, part of my prayer did come true. During a early-term ultrasound, the Dr. noticed a subchorionic hemorrhage. Which in layman's terms basically means that the baby implanted so deeply into my uterus, that it caused a small bruise. No harm to the baby whatsoever. However, it is possible that it could pop and I would begin bleeding. This bleeding could last a few days to a few months.

So the first few weeks were fine. Progressing normally...for now. Then, the unthinkable happened. I began spotting...again. My parents moved into their new house on Valentine's Day 2007. We were over at their house when the spotting began. Nothing big, and we all thought/hoped/prayed it was the hemorrhage popping. But on Friday, the 16th, the spotting turned to full bleeding. Bright red and lots of it. I called the Dr. He said as long as there is no cramping, I shouldn't be too worried. I asked if it could just be the hemorrhage popping and he said 'maybe, but I think you're losing the baby'. I was so scared. We went home and went to bed that night scared. You guessed it. I woke up all throughout the night cramping...hard.

We woke up Saturday morning in labor. I know it sounds weird to be in labor when you're so early in pregnancy, but your body doesn't care how far along you are, or how big the baby is. I was in full labor, having contractions, back labor, and everything. We took Tyler to my parents house to stay with my dad, picked up my mom, and were on our way to the hospital.

I was having contractions the entire way to the hospital. We called the doctor on our way, and he said he would meet us there. Because it was so early in pregnancy, we went to the ER instead of L&D. I signed in and was told to take a seat and wait my turn. They didn't care that I was loosing my baby...again. I had to wait just like someone with a broken leg or stomach flu.

When they finally called my name, Joel and I stood up, and I motioned for my mom to come with us. The nurse said she wasn't allowed in. She said there wouldn't be room in the room for her. I was so hurt and angry. I needed my mom. We finally got into a room in the ER, the pain was so intense. It took about 20-30 more minutes at least, before the Dr. even came into the room. Right there, in the emergency room hospital bed, the Dr. removed my baby from me. Forceps and a little metal bowl later, it was all over. The pain in my heart was overwhelming. All I could do was cry. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, and my body was shaking. It wasn't a 'normal' cry when you are sad or hurt, it was a cry that came from deeper inside me than I even knew existed. After the 'procedure' was over, I asked if my mom could finally come in. The Dr was not happy to learn that the nurse hadn't let my mom in earlier. They immediately went to get her, and brought her in. She came right to me and held me and hugged me while we both sobbed. It was a heart wrenching loss for me, but also for her. She lost yet another grandchild, and her own child was hurting. I'm sure it brought back memories from her losses as well. I don't even know how long we sat holding each other crying. It felt like time stood still.

As I type this, I can remember so vividly. I remember the layout of the room, the counter with the little metal bowl that contained my baby, the tray with the forceps, everything. I decided not to look in the bowl. It was the best decision, I'm certain. They wheeled me over to do an ultrasound to make sure they 'got it all'. Then they put me in recovery. I was in the recovery room for a couple of hours before they let us go home.

One thing I forgot to mention, is that the Dr that removed my baby wasn't my doctor. He was just an ER doctor in the hospital. He didn't know me, didn't know my medical history, or the history of the miscarriages, he wasn't even an OB/GYN. It wasn't until in the recovery room that I finally saw MY doctor. The look on his face is one I will not forget, even now I can see the sadness and hurt on his face. He was genuinely sad and disappointed for us. He knew how much we wanted this.

On top of this horrible day, it was the Saturday before our wedding anniversary, and we had planned to go celebrate. I thought it would be better for me to go ahead with our plans, instead of just going home and wallowing in the hurt. So we went ahead and went to lunch and a movie. BIG MISTAKE!!! I was in so much physical pain from the procedure I could hardly walk, much less come out of the 'fog' I was in. It was like I was in a trance from the emotional trauma I had just experienced.

But finally, this horrible ordeal was over. Right then I had decided, we were done. We were NOT going to try again. This was too much. Too much pain physically, emotionally, and mentally. I could NOT do this again.

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